Alfa-Del Family Groups
for Families and Friends -Foes- of Persons whith Alcoholism
Disordered, neurotic, dysfunctional persons
Chronic hereditary brain dysfunction
Schizophrenia and Related Disorders
Compete and Enabler | Leave or Stay | Enabler? | Just for Today WebRing
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Do you have a friend who is hopeless at budgeting and you're constantly lending her ten dollars here and twenty dollars there? Do you have a spouse with an alcohol problem and you phone his or her boss to call in sick instead of making them do it themselves? Do you constantly take on extra duties each time your older teen has an assignment due instead of allowing them to feel out of control themselves? If the answer is a resounding "Yes" then you could be an enabler.
So what is an enabler? An enabler is a person who recognizes that a negative circumstance is occurring on a regular basis and yet inadvertently assists the person with the problem to persist with their detrimental behaviors.
Let's have a look at Clare's life. Clare has a daughter who is in her second year at college and lives at home. Clare's daughter Sian has always had a habit of leaving things to the last minute. This started when Sian was a child but Clare just thought it was a form of childish behavior and that she would grow out if it. But she didn't and the reason was that Clare wouldn't allow her too. Of course, Clare didn't see it that way, nor did she imagine that she was "hurting" her daughter in any way.
But Sian always left her assignments to the last minute right through school and would call on Clare to "help her out" by looking up material for projects on the internet on the night that the assignment was due. Now that Sian is at college, the pressure is really on. Often Sian cries because she has too much work to complete in too little time, and it is now Clare's job not only to console her daughter and settle her down, but to proof-read and type out her assignments in a desperate bid to get them in for the 9am deadline. Often Clare and Sian will be up together till 1am doing Sian's assignments. At first, Clare felt a sense of "togetherness" and "mother-daughter" bonding. Now she just feels used and frustrated.
Andrew's best friend has a drug habit that over the last twelve months has started spiraling out of control. Never good with managing money even when they were kids, Andrew often lent Justin money for candy or magazines. Now he's lending him money for life essentials, such as milk and bread. Andrew knows that his friend is spending the bulk of his money on drugs and there's little left for food and bills. Recently Justin asked Andrew for $60 as it was Justin's mother's birthday. Andrew has known Justin's mother most of his life and felt he had no option but to hand over the cash. After all, he couldn't deny Justin's mother a present, could he?
Jillian's husband James has been an alcoholic for over a decade. Embarrassed, she covers for him when he is hungover, telling people he has a virus. She also phones in to her husband's work and lies that he is sick when he is really passed out in bed.
These people are all unwitting victims. They are trying to help their loved ones. Instead they are actually allowing their loved one to keep acting out their detrimental behaviors. They are taking responsibility for the bad behavior themselves, instead of handing the responsibility right back where it belongs: in the hands of Sian, Justin, and James, and thousands of others just like them. By allowing Sian to fail a subject, by refusing to get Justin out of a financial bind, by insisting that James calls in sick himself, they will begin to change the dynamics of their relationships with these people.
Those who find themselves in situations where alcohol is an issue would find Al-Anon meetings useful. Other "User-Enabler"-type situations benefit by the enabler refusing to meet the needs of the user. Be prepared for abuse, arguments, and unpleasantries of all forms.
When an enabler decides to stop "helping", relationships invariably become difficult as the enabler becomes a target for rage, pleading, and emotional blackmail. This is the time to stand firm. It's not easy, but if you love your friend or family member, it is the best gift you can give them. Making them take responsibility for their actions is the only way that your friend or family member can begin to change their lives. If your friend ultimately decides to move on because you refuse to comply with their endless requests, they were never your friend in the first place. They were only using you. They may stay in your life, or they may go. Either way, you win.
What happens to children of alcoholics (often
as hyperactive as alcoholics) when they're grown up?
Click ChADD, click ADDA, click ADD Res, click Amen, click...
According to WSO, AFG members are members for an average of five years. There are exceptions who establish themselves in Area backgrounds ad nauseam æternam till ordinary members who have been "trustful servants" for a while end up most of the time doubting the relevancy of these Groups, the concept of which -- which originates in very ancient times (Buddhists, Franciscans, Stoicians, Pythagoreans, etc.) -- is most often imported, at least in Quebec, without discrimination. I subscribed to AFGs for 27 years! I would not have survived anywhere else for there were but very few mental health resources in those days. Residual schizophrenia? It took all these years for me to understand! Nonetheless, for whatever it is, you may give it a try just for the fun of it while this Web site is still alive. -- Gulemo
Note: There are "secular" or "rational" alternatives to 12-Step Recovery Programs; search for "Rational Recovery" or "Secular Recovery" in search engines: Resisting 12-Step Coercion | Addiction Recovery Guide | All Addictions | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | etc. -- YouTube!
Alfa-Del Family Groups
for Families and Friends -Foes- of Persons whith Alcoholism
Disordered, neurotic, dysfunctional persons
Chronic hereditary brain dysfunction
Schizophrenia and Related Disorders
| Note: Let's keep simple! What happens to "have-been" delegates once they are wise enough not to pull strings for the rest of their life in their Area background? Some may join Tai Chi Chuan which is quite interesting an alternative to Alfa-Del Family Groups. See also: CMHA. | |
| Ontario South (Canada) |
Ontario North (Canada) |
Note : There are alternatives to AFGs such as the Canadian Mental Health Association.
"If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia."
Szasz T. The Second Sin (1973) Garden City, NY: Anchor/Doubleday
[January 2007, Just for Today WebRing] -- Lisa, Will you hear a different drummer? I was involved in service for nearly 12 years during the nineties, mostly in the Quebec East Area. I've seen the good side of service. I've seen also the not-so-good side of it - manoeuvering, politicking, silencing, etc. I wish to testify for all of it as there are always two sides to a medal. -- I believe Canadian AFG should have a GSO of its own as is the case in 32 countries around the world - or even two GSOs as in Belgium and Switzerland, one for each official language. Two countries only - Canada and US - do not make a "World" Service Conference, the real WSC being the "International" General Alfa-Del Service Meeting (IAGSM). -- Also there are barely 10% men in AFG (2006 stats) - all of them "pedophiles, separatists, mentaly ill and crooks ". Let's stop that. Men are no monsters. Women are no saints nor carnival queens! I believe that something will have to be done to change the WASP-WC image of AFG (White Anglo-saxon and Protestant Women's Club!). -- If these changes will not occur, I wonder what there will be left of this "wonderful" Fellowship in 15 years from now. -- Yours in Fellowship, -- Gulemo